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6 March 2018

Mind Blank
(Nightmares and Fear)

Every time I go to sleep, closed eyes
Opened eyes, I saw something a burning light outside my window
I walked towards the window and all I could see was the earth burning
When the lights went out
I was freaked out
Scared and terrified of the dark

– Joshua Campton

Alison putting her poster up on the wall

How to Train the Brain

A reward, I got it right,
Some food,
I am like a dog,
Doing what you want.
Change the system and brain
I do not want to be hurt,
Given treats, a chemical cocktail
Peace engulfs,
You have lost the fight
It is easier to be like you.

– Jean Winter

Sorry For Speaking

Sorry for speaking,
I’m sorry I speak,
That you are subjected to
My vocalisations,
The shapes of my lips,
The height of the my tongue,
How it forms a different passage,
For the air to move through,
Different harmonics,
Over a fundamental tone,
That you are conditioned
To decode into meaning,
Pictures, ideas, associations,
In your mind,

I’m sorry that I’m speaking,
Without warning you,
About what it was going to
I should have been more careful,
Made sure it was fine with you.
Can I undo these sounds
With more sounds of sorry?
Sorry, [ˈsɔɹi],
My lips pout,
My tongue glides,
My breath out,
Until I can unmake
Those other sounds,
I made to you.

– Pony Horseman

The way I write a poem
To make them believe a love story
To make a dance film
Or even to make a song

Extract from Chapter 9, Mindshadows

I was led into an area and I watched the doors being locked behind me. They took me to a desk where I had to sign forms.

‘You know I am a lawyer,’ I said.

There are so many papers to sign – therefore I must be a lawyer, I thought.
I did have temporary insight, although this knowledge was sporadic and perplexing, like an abstract dream. I realised at different times that I was locked in some type of secure hospital ward and meaningful ideas would germinate. Saying I was a lawyer, thinking I was somebody else comforted me. My paranoid thinking had not ceased. I still believed they were going to kill me and it was a logical deduction on my part – why else would I be treated this way?

I was then taken to a large room and told to undress. This was an old part of the hospital. It had high ceilings and hard concrete walls. There were two small windows which looked out onto the grounds and black iron bars attached on the outside of the windows. Part of the room had tiling floor and I noticed two cubicles made of brick without doors attached. The room had no furnishings except one plastic chair where I could place my clothes. Two male nurses watched me as I took my clothes off. One of the men told me to go into the brick like cubicle and I crouched in the corner as he sprayed me with a long hose. My body felt the pressure of the cold hard water. After this initial cleansing they dressed me in men’s pyjamas and these were placed on me with the buttons at the back. After this I was led into a cell like room with a mattress on the floor and the locked door had a small square window.

– Jean Winter

"You are.... enough, remember you went through a whole list that time, all those times. Good, whatever that means, Complex. you are more than a singular. Vast, you span further than your physical body, in the minds of others, in spaces, homes" Image Description: in bright marker colours dots and dashes make up lines and shapes overlapping underneath the text. small parts collectively creating a bigger pattern]

– Pony Horseman

Dear Julian

I see the things you go through, I see the things you face. You are stronger than most people could imagine, it’s a strength you know and don’t know. You are kind and loving, talented and great.

Your body is strong and sinewy and even though you have stretched me out a bit I will bounce back and I know it’s a challenge you will overcome.

I love you for all the things you are. For the way you can feel other people’s energy off me, to the way you are constantly trying to understand the world around you . I love how your capacity for giving and saying the right thing is still there despite how miss understood you feel by the entire world.

I loved watching you grow this past year and as you continue to step into your power and leave the past behind. You don’t always feel like you’re growing, bu I can tell by the way you have started to take care of yourself and me through all you have to deal with.

You are destined for great things and it will be my joy to be there with you to see it. I long to be with you forever and grow old with you and share the happiness that will envelope your life.

Love always
Your  Skin
– Julian Jaensch